He Would Tell Her He Loved Her
by fitzherbertfangirl
Summary: My take on Knockout. HEY DON'T LEAVE! I think it's a bit different from the others, told Castle's pov. Full summary inside! :D


**First try at a Castle fic! Enjoy, wrote this right after the finale. Yup, I mean THAT NIGHT when I didn't sleep a wink. I'm sure I'm not alone in this...right? *looks around room* Anywhoo, enjoy! First person, Castle's pov. Could be better...but...I have some huge stories going on right now and don't have any more time to devote to this baby. **

He Would Tell Her He Loved Her

By Fitzherbertfangirl

"Captain Montgomery once told me, 'In our line of work, there are no victories. There are only battles.'"

I would tell her I loved her.

I had said that to myself so many times. Now everything seems to pale in comparison and seem oddly trivial. So much has happened...I remembered the Captain telling me to be at the airport to take Kate away last night. Those 25 missed calls, the 'Castle, we are OVER.'. The cold, frozen, ice blue aura enveloped us, as I held her close against the car murmuring, 'shh...shh...it's all right.' She had been too upset to be mad at me, but seeing her, tears running down her face, murmuring, 'no, no, NO...', pressed up against each other as shots were fired...I had to let her go. It was raw emotion she was pouring into it. The kind you cannot deny. My strength shifted against my will, and she ran. She ran, me after her to find them dead, all dead, even Montgomery.

Death, dead, dying...as a crime writer, I use those words plenty. The weight of them, only now, seems to be crashing upon me.

"_And I'm speaking to someone already halfway through the movie. __**Don't waste another minute, Richard.**__"_

How many scenes of the Richard Castle movie, how many chapters of the Richard Castle book had been the main character uttering those seven words?

How many? Just how many closed cases, ending with priceless private moments shared between us? Only to be futile. It would be Truth that I can blame Josh sometimes. He has marred so many perfect moments between me and Katherine Beckett. But, God is kinder than that. He has given me _so_ many _more_ chances. On my own accord have I let them slip away...I would tell her, but I never did. The time was never ideal.

My mother said Life is a movie. One of my scenes might fit in Disney's _Tangled_. Flynn Rider and Rapunzel are leaning in, they are so close...and for some reason, Flynn opens his eyes. He sees his old partners he ditched, and from then on is his downfall. There is no stir, no distraction, no practical reason, he just...opens his eyes! He goes to 'confront' the Stabbington Brothers, to distract them from Rapunzel and her magic hair. He's knocked out, imprisoned, nearly hanged, and dies saving Rapunzel from there on out. It happens to me all the time with Kate. For absolutely no good reason, I open my eyes, only to greet something worse than what I shouldn't have hesitated to do.

As Kate delivers her tribute to the Captain, my spirit begins to reminisce. Times, good times in the past. Not too distant in the past. Moments, memories, sweet time with Kate. If I didn't know better, it was like me and Kate's past was flashing before me, like Life supposedly flashes before your eyes as you meet Death. Flying before me quickly, yet understanding a new depth of each one. It begins with one important chapter in the movie of my life...

Johanna Beckett once more resurfaced, four months ago. The tortuous twist of events led to one of our many climaxes. Our kiss.

"_What part of 'no cops' don't you understand?"_

"_He's not a cop, he's someone I trust."_

I hadn't told her just how terrified I was that very morning. I thought-I thought Kate...my Kate, Beckett...had been shot. And despite she risks Death quite often, the weight of the question of her dying began to haunt me that day. It has stayed with me since. Especially after...she nearly threw her life away.

That morning, Kate had said, 'he's someone I trust.' I try to be honest, tell her I love her, trust her with my secret. It's not like I don't, overall, trust her...I do. She sure has a heck of a lot more secrets to _trust __me__ with_. I'm not proud our first kiss was 'fake'. There were alternatives, too true. There were many. Kate was desperate, and she didn't have a writer's inspiration and crazy ideas like mine. We were so close then...we are so close now. Close enough...not to have to have a kiss be an act. We were close enough for it to be _real_. But, we are, Kate Beckett and Richard Castle, and we don't roll like that. Nonetheless, it was...I quote myself, 'amazing'! No, Kate, not the way you knocked that fat guy down. I wasn't even paying him two cents of attention. But that much is obvious, even to her. I suppose most of it is.

Lots of movie kisses are the pivotal perfect moment where_ both_ consent wordlessly. They don't have to speak, their actions and feelings speak loud enough. I think mine were...

However, with Kate Beckett, sometimes you have to be firm. Bend the rules. Because when somebody loves you that's what they do. I will take the extra step, walk the extra mile, make a fool out of myself. Break all the boundaries, cross all the lines for the beloved. Even stage a kiss. Because I love her.

I need to tell her that.

When the epic spectacle was over, even prior, my mind was set in its course, the thought ever remaining.

I would tell her I loved her.

Why didn't I? Did Fate have a much different plan? Not Fate, but God himself? The words just do not form themselves when the moment is no less than perfect. And the pattern repeated itself in the subsequent time until our next epic...

It was the radiation tent. Leading up to the grand episode...Kate's words then ring louder in my head than the words she speaks presently, "-and if you're lucky enough, you will find someone to stand with you."

I could, Kate.

"_He gone, always gone...I just wish I could have someone who would listen. We could just tune into each other and..."_

_Like __**me**__. _It was the perfect chance. What else could have been my exact thoughts? _This is it, Richard. I will tell her I love her; I'm there._

What always happens when I open my cursed mouth? God must have a sense of humor. Either that, or it wasn't meant to be, perhaps once more He had a better moment in mind? A grander plan? Like...now?

Either way, the radiation report man waltzes in at the worst possible moment: the one right before I was to begin. The words are left unspoken.

Then...the bomb. All of its horrific wires. The freezer where we nearly ended. The Countdown. It was exactly like something out of a book, save the ending. Locked in a freezer and teetering on the edge of Death and it's darkness, Love is confessed, or at least something near to it.

Once again, it's one thing if you're not quite close to the woman you're about to die with. When Flynn and Rapunzel nearly drown, they're not this _close_. They're _just _starting to have feelings toward one another. They only reveal their biggest secrets: Flynn Rider's real name is Eugene Fitzherbert; Rapunzel has magic glowing hair.

The matter differs entirely if the woman you're trapped in a freezer about to die is...someone you love. Someone you have been trying to tell that to for a long time. Instinctively my eyes turn to Kate. "He would want us to keep fighting." Just the awful thought of everything we've been through-together. The simply complicated thought of _her._ I blink back a tear behind my sunglasses. Why, why do I have to love her so much?

"_There's only one person who can get you this pissed."_

"_I can't let her throw her life away! If she...if she..."_

Yes. Because there is only one person who I love _that _much.

If we weren't Kate Beckett and Richard Castle, we would have died frozen in each other's arms, knowing the feeling between us. But of course not. We don't _confront_ anything. It's not the Kate and Castle style. Oh, and we don't DIE either. We wait until it is much too late.

Not to mention we cheat Death at his own game.

I hadn't forgotten the last thing she said before she passed out, overcome by cold.

"_Castle, I just want you to know how much I..."_

Her frozen hand dropped; she slipped into unconsciousness.

_Love you?_

And though we made it out of the freezer without a word, there was something tragically beautiful about holding her hand as we once more greeted Death, the ones embossed what seemed rather concretely, **KATHRINE BECKETT **and** RICHARD CASTLE**. I would tell her... then it was too late. Three, two, and...one. I had pulled every last wire, saving us and the rest of New York City...but above all, us.

We made it out of that freezer, and no, we never talked about it. We never talk about anything. Yet, in the state of theoretical silence, we only grew closer than ever. The Temptation Lane case, a prime example. She had possessed a childlike glee at the autographed picture I had gifted to her. I remembered her relation of the memory of when she was nine and watched the show with her mother. It must have been hard for her, letting anyone in, even a little. I do not abuse that privilege. This, this must have been the opportune moment of tenderness, perfect, ideal...but a sharp noise cuts our close aura. Josh. More accurately his picture on her caller ID. "I'll leave you to it." was all I'd said.

She had called after me, "Castle, wait." but I did not. The moment was lost. Surely God had something better in store.

My stupid writer buddy Alex. Kate had taking a liking to him. That was more than my heart could take. It was _awful. _Nobody had held Kate's attention like he had. Not her own boyfriend, Josh. Not...me. I must have been frowning. I felt Alexis nudging me. I quickly wiped off my dirty look. It was all good again, if not better after he left. HEY, if she likes him more than the MAN SHE'S IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH and THE MAN THAT COULD BE THE BEST THING SHE EVER HAD? That was unbearable. "Why, you jealous?" HECK YEAH. Yes, I was quite jealous. I was guilty as she charged; I admitted this to her. Nice sensation, really. She understood, completely understood. Whenever I underestimate her...bad things happen. She was my one writer girl. That was what she'd said; self proclaimed. Me, at a loss for words at the most horrific times, could only mutter, flustered yet pleased, 'Thanks.'

Her reply was, "Always."

Edgar Allen Poe says in the beautifully pictorial story, _The Masque of the Red Death, _the following lines,

"_**There are chords in the hearts of the most reckless which cannot be touched without emotion. Even with the utterly lost, to whom Life and Death are equally jests, there are matters of which no jest can be made."**_

Dear reader, that 'Always' struck a chord. I don't think myself a heart hardened, reckless soul, but symbolism of the word she had just spoke unto me was great. A memory within memories bubbled within me.

"_If someone's going to break you out of prison, that's true love right there." _-My mother

"_Hehe, we'd leave you in there Castle." _-Ryan & Esposito

"_Naw, I'd get you out." _ KATE BECKETT!

The symbolism of the 'Always' was even greater.

Captain Montgomery thought I was the one who could bring down Kate's walls. Heck no, I can't, I know that, she knows that! _She_ knows it better than anyone. What I've been trying to show her, what I want her to know is: I will be **always** waiting outside those walls when come down._ Always_.

"_Thanks for having my back in there."_

"_Always."_

"_Castle...thanks for being there."_

"_...Always..."_

**Los Angeles- (los an'je les) city & seaport on the SW coast of California: population 3,486,000. Spanish for The Angels.**

"_You know what I thought when I first met you?"_

I had questioned her, our night in that blessed city. Her green eyes were troubled; trying their best to look happy. They were intrigued, asking, 'What?'

"_You were one mystery I was never going to solve. Your spirit, your heart...your hotness."_

She'd grinned. Satisfied.

"_You're not so bad yourself, Castle."_

"_Don't poke me!"_

"_Poke you? I wanna kiss you!"_

You know what Kate? I wanna kiss you too. "Captain Montgomery would want us to keep fighting." I smile childishly to myself at the recollection of our kiss, but wipe it off smart quick before Alexis pokes _me_. No time for smiles; the flashback continues.

The Angels LA is dedicated to had whispered relentlessly to my conscience. _Just kiss her, please Castle! Tell her...you can do it. OH PLEAZE JUST KISS HER_

I would tell her I loved her. They insist, apparently.

Dang dramatic pauses as I teetered on the edge of spilling all. She turned in. I waited. But after a few moments I left for my own suite. Not before I thought...I might have seen her. Coming back?

It was like Captain Jack Sparrow was telling me as he told Will Turner,

'_If you were waiting for the opportune moment-that was it.'_

The play-by-play flashback finishes with the our...fight.

"_So, no. I got no clue what __**we are**__."_

Once again, I turn my attention to her speech. "We owe that to him..."

_Don't waste another minute, Richard._

This time, this last time, I would tell her I love her. As soon as she finishes talking.

But even so, that is a minute from now.

Out of the corner of my eye, I see the light. A little blinking light...on Kate? My mind struggles crazily with _why_ that fluttering white beam is on her. What...why...huh? Cold realization washes over me in slow motion.

_And at last, I see the light..._

A target. A target...targeting...my KATE? Save her, Castle, NOW! I'll save her, we'll get out of the way just in time... We have dodged so many bullets before! With a horrified, half-thought out fury, I charge toward her. Oh, please let me take the bullet for her...let us get out of the way, please...please. Seeing the wild, shock look in her eyes, I'm reminded...of 'having her back in there.' For always. "KATE!"

**-BANG-**

My heart thudding ominously, I wrap my arms around her in a tackle and slam her to the ground. I force my eyes to open and behold her. I struggle to decipher...have I been shot? No...has she? Did we...no...her face is terrified; rigid. Her breath short and heavy. Her eyes are glazed; scared. It happened. It actually happened this time. We could not both dodge the bullet. Death was tired of our sly escapes. I'm about to begin sobbing, but time left with her is too precious. I slip one hand around the back of her head and seize one of her white gloved hands. Tender, yet fierce, trying to force life back into it. The blood upon it does not matter. I plead to her pale face, "Kate, Kate, stay with me...stay with me Kate..." She looks at me, as she breaths wildly, unable to speak as tears overtake me.

_I would tell her I loved her._

"Don't leave me, Kate. Don't leave me..." Because if she left...if she left...I was nothing. I knew that now. I have almost lost her so many times...before I could figure it out. Figure out she can't die, she _won't_ die, she mustn't. Because if she did...I was nothing. I haven't told her! I haven't told her that she is my everything, that I cannot live without her. That I love her, more than any man ever could. The angels do not whisper. They scream. It is the moment God has saved for last.

_I would tell her..._

"I love you, Kate." She coughs, a hazy wonder about her eyes and slips deeper into the dark abyss.

"I love you..."

It was out, it was finally out. God had saved it for the end.

With one final thin breath, she closes her green eyes, and all is still.

I told her I loved her.

I just never imagined this would be how.

Even now, it just isn't the Kate and Castle style.

We wait until it is much too late.

**THE END**

**No, not my best work, but this IS my first try at a Castle fic, and I just had to write SOMETHING to get the finale off my chest. Like I said before, I've got a lot of bigger stories going on at the moment and don't have any more time to devote to this, but I do like it. Tell me what you liked; didn't like, this baby is subject to revision! Thus, REVIEW. I'll love you forever I swear it. Review MAKE. MY. DAY. AND INSPIRE ME TO WRITE MOREEEEE.**

**~Kayla (aka Latias for the Poke-folks ;))**


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